Big Bertha…

[Note: This was originally published on Friday, April 1, 2011]


Today was my first introduction to the radiation room. I am instructed to don a pair of regulation pale blue stripe scrub bottoms, which look really super with the black linen shirt and silver jewelry I’m wearing, oh and I can keep the black lace up shoes I have on also…what a picture! I am picked up in the jigsaw corner of the waiting room by a lovely soft spoken man called Winfred. He takes me back to THE ROOM. The door to said room is about a foot thick, no kidding it’s like entering the vault at fort knox. You go in and around a corner and there she is. It seems as if we have gone into the engine room of Dr Nemo’s submarine. She takes up half the wall and is round with a sort eye in the middle….gulp!
I am instructed to step up (there’s a stool to help) and lay face down on a black metal plank about the size of a diving board. They are going to take some xrays of my Bum……!I just call them the Berthaettes
There are 4 men needed for this procedure and they talk quietly between themselves in a language of numbers I know nothing of. Once my derriere is lined up correctly (takes some bottom giggling) they leave me in the company of….Bread singing “baby I’m a want you” this just sort of freaks me out. I shouldn’t be nervous but that music is enough to put any ones heart rate up.
Big Bertha has wide arms that extend forward and rotate slightly…..”Baby I’m a need you”…..accompanied occasionally by what sounds like a Black and Decker drill. I’m not joking that is the sound she makes when her arms are rotating. When the actual dose of radiation is given it sounds like the screech of a cat having it’s tail trodden on. I am sure my pulse is off the chart now but it’s all over in a few minutes and the lads are back in the room to……. draw lines on my bottom???
Will the humiliations ever end? I doubt it. Next time I wonder if I can take my i pod in…..Probably not.

Bertha's guts

Bertha’s guts

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